Emotional Regulation: How to Ride the Waves

Sometimes emotions come on like a storm. A wave rises somewhere deep within — an offhand comment, a sudden memory, an old wound reopened by something new — and suddenly, we’re swept up in it. Overwhelmed. Flooded. Reacting.

I’ve spent most of my life stuck in the middle of a storm. My emotions don’t just live under the surface — they’re part of my appearance, as visible as the shirt I’m wearing.  I’ve tried to conceal them, push them down, bury them within the abyss of my heart — but they always find a way out. And when they do, it’s with the force of a tropical storm slamming into the shore. And with no warning.

Trauma and the Speed of Reaction

What makes emotional regulation so hard — especially for those of us carrying childhood trauma — is how fast it happens. It’s not just about “feeling angry” or “getting upset.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction, hardwired from years of pain and defense.

It’s like touching a hot stove — your body pulls back before you even think.

That’s what trauma does. It trains your brain to react for survival. There is no time to pause, reflect, or process. And when someone says “calm down” or “stop overreacting,” they have no idea what it’s like to live in a body that learned to respond instantly. Logic is swept away in the riptide of emotions. To heal this, you need to rewire your brain.

You have to slow down what feels automatic. Let me be clear: this is not easy. But it is possible.

🧠 The Brain Can Change — And So Can You

Here’s the good news: your brain is not fixed. It’s not doomed to repeat old patterns forever. The brain is neuroplastic — meaning it has the capacity to change, adapt, and literally rewire itself. The same way it learned to react fast in pain, it can now learn to slow down.

It takes:

• Awareness – catching the pattern while it’s happening (or just after).

• Practice – returning to regulation again and again.

• Compassion – being gentle with yourself as you learn.

• Patience – Lots and lots of patience.

  
  

Each time you choose to pause instead of react you’re building a new neural pathway — a healthier one, a more peaceful one. It will feel frustratingly impossible at first. You catch yourself crashing and pick yourself up—again and again. Slow at first. But just like strengthening a muscle, your brain strengthens through repetition. And just like anything, in time what once felt impossible becomes your new pattern.

Tools to Help You Regulate in the Moment

When emotions rise quickly — especially if they’ve been wired from childhood trauma — you need tools to interrupt the response and bring you back to center.

Here are some of the practices that have helped me:

• Breathwork — Slowing down your breath: Try the 4–4–4–4 box breath: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4.

• Safe word — Speak something out loud or in your mind. When in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to think clearly. Keep something simple to recall. A few that help me:

“Stop.”

“This is a wave-it will pass.”

“Control is in your power.”

• Step away — Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is walk away from the moment. Go outside. Go for a drive—if you feel stable enough. Go sit quietly somewhere in nature.

• Change your environment — Light a candle, open a window, sit on the floor, take a shower. A small shift in surroundings can offer a big shift in energy.

• Cold exposure —Splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube in your hand, place a cool compress on your neck. Cold interrupts the nervous system so you can regulate.

• Movement — Dance, stretch, or exercise. Trauma lives in the body. Adrenaline is fuel and your body needs to burn it off.

• Stay connected to your body — Feel your feet on the floor. Place a hand on your chest. Come home to your body and remind yourself: I’m here now, and I am safe.

  
  

Name the Feeling

Often, anger is a secondary emotion that masks something deeper. Underneath it, you might find sadness, fear, disappointment, or shame.

Ask yourself: “What am I actually feeling right now?” Naming the emotion — “I’m overwhelmed,” “I’m scared,” “I feel invisible” — helps reduce its intensity.

💡 Example:

Imagine you come home from a long, stressful day and your partner forgets to take out the trash — again. You feel a wave of anger and snap. But if you pause, you realize: it’s not about the trash. It’s about feeling unseen and unsupported. Naming that helps you respond with truth instead of react with heat.

Final Thoughts

Learning to regulate your emotions isn’t about becoming perfect or never feeling angry — it’s about having awareness, slowing down the reaction, and choosing differently, one moment at a time. It’s a daily practice of patience and compassion — for others and yourself.

Every time you pause instead of reacting, breathe instead of exploding, reflect instead of blaming— you’re rewiring your nervous system and reclaiming your power.

🌿Quotes to Empower You

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”— Viktor E. Frankl

“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf.”— Jonatan Mårtensson

“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.”— Dan Millman

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”— Unknown